


A Loss of Control

by devilinthedetails



Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Control, Fear, Gen, Knight & Squire, Lack of control, References to Manipulation, References to Mind Control, Trust, faith - Freeform, references to violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 16:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15441222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilinthedetails/pseuds/devilinthedetails
Summary: Both Alex and Geoffrey live at the whim of another. Set during In the Hand of the Goddess.





	A Loss of Control

A Loss of Control

As the sun set, staining the sky scarlet, Alex was distracted from his stretches by Geoffrey. His squire should likewise have been getting himself limber for the practice duel Alex had insisted that they engage in to keep themselves sharp as they rode across the country to their assigned border duty–which nobody said was a punishment for injuring Alan but that Alex suspected was anyway. Instead the foolish boy was shooting nervous, sidelong glances that were obviously meant to be covert yet were anything but at Alex. 

Geoffrey was looking at Alex as if Alex were the one who determined his fate when Alex couldn’t even control himself–that’s what had gotten Alan a broken collarbone and himself exiled to the border–and always lived at the whim of another: whether it was his domineering father, Duke Gareth, Duke Roger, or the king, it made no matter, since in the end he was forever defined by his lack of agency. 

“Have I done something to make you stare at me as if I were some monster summoned from the Realms of Chaos to destroy you, squire?” Alex arched an eyebrow as he tested the flexibility of his legs and tried to ignore that he could see himself as a fearful squire reflected in Geoffrey’s eyes. So small and powerless unless a sword was in his hand, he had gazed up at Duke Roger with that same impossible to articulate anxiety. Duke Roger was charming and generous with his praise so Alex shouldn’t have been terrified of his anger and his disappointment. Yet he had been, was even now, and believed in his bones that he always would be. His squire couldn’t know that or how much Alex tried–and felt guilty when he failed–to give Geoffrey everything he had never gotten from his own knightmaster: the support without the spidery strings attached. 

“You broke Alan’s collarbone in a practice duel, sir.” Geoffrey rubbed at his collarbone as if imagining how it would feel if Alex broke it.

“I’d never hurt you, Geoff.” Alex reached out to clasp Geoffrey’s shoulder and stiffened when he felt the lad tense beneath him. Painfully aware that Geoffrey knew no such thing, he added an awkward lie he wished was the truth. “You know that.” 

“Is that what you told Alan, sir?” Geoffrey twisted out of Alex’s grasp.

“Don’t be pert, boy.” Reflexively Alex imitated Duke Gareth until he regained his wits enough to respond, “You must understand that what happened with Alan was a moment of weakness.”

“For you or for Alan?” Geoffrey frowned, kicking at the ground with a boot. 

“For both of us. Alan should have defended himself better and I shouldn’t have lost control.” Alex cupped Geoffrey’s chin, forcing the lad to see eye to eye with him. “I won’t lose control with you. A knightmaster should always be in control with his squire. That’s what Duke Roger used to tell me, and he never lost control with me, so I’ve had an excellent example to follow.” 

“Yes, sir.” Geoffrey sounded subdued rather than reassured. 

Since that wasn’t his intent–or at least Alex didn’t believe it was–he said soft as a whisper in the wind, “You can trust me, Geoffrey.” 

Geoffrey gave a silent nod that somehow shouted that he didn’t–and couldn’t–trust Alex, and that lack of faith hurt Alex like a broken collarbone.


End file.
